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We betray ourselves when we have made a decision that we will do something and then we don’t do it:  when we decide to lose weight and then we go ahead and eat that second piece of cake…(paraphrased)

Iyanla Vanzant

I heard this statement while watching OWN (Oprah Winfrey’s network) this week.  Is this true?  Every time I set a goal and do things that interrupt my ability to achieve that goal, are they small betrayals of myself, over and over again? 

Are there people who never, ever do this?  Are there people who:

• Decide to communicate in a more loving, open wayAnd do so?  And do so with no mistakes, slip ups, or angry retorts?
• Choose to exercise regularly, in all three ways typically suggested , including  strengthening, aerobic, and flexibility exercise.  And follow through, without going through ‘dry periods’ of getting caught-up in daily life and not exercising?
• Select an ideal weight.  And get there through whatever means, diet and exercise, and maintain it (give or take a few pounds) for as long as they choose?
• Resolve to date only members of the opposite gender that would really make a good life partner, someone with whom mutual respect is the norm, demonstration of affection is easy, and who is mature in his or her actions,  And then ask the right questions of potential dates, letting those who may not be compatible know early and maintaining their standards?
• Determine to achieve a goal in terms of education, work, house hold tasks, or ‘dreams’ of writing/publishing, dancing/singing, preaching/speaking, attaining mental health/stability or whatever their objective may be,  And follows through to the end without faltering and losing their priorities, wavering or giving up, or settling by default?

Somehow I think this concept is a myth, this person who decides and ‘makes it happen. Also, to consistently believe that we are betraying ourselves with each slip, each mistake, and each poor choice seems like self-flagellation, like punishing ourselves and ‘beating oneself’ once again after already feeling beat down and discouraged by our own failings.  Do we ever move ahead with this chastising thinking of ourselves and our actions, where we rebuke and reprimand ourselves for ‘betraying ourselves’ once again.

On the other hand…if I consider these actions, these ‘failures to follow through’ as personal self-betrayal, will I be more motivated to actually follow through?  Will I be more likely to succeed at my goals?

I’m reminded once again, of this story of Buddha’s teachings...

“The Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?”

The student replied, “It is.” 

The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, in the same place, is that more painful?”

The student replied again, “It is.”

The first arrow depicts the things that happen to us in life, death of loved ones, injuries, illnesses, loss of a job, catastrophic weather like hurricanes, etc.  These things we cannot always control.  The second arrow (or arrows) are our reactions to the first arrow, and many times we fire arrow after arrow into our selves and we continue to cry out in pain with each new arrow we fire into ourselves.  Yet, after the first arrow – the rest are optional as they consist of our reaction to the first arrow. 

I choose not to label my failures as self-betrayal.  Instead I think I will not label them at all.  Rather than labeling them, I will choose to observe them and try and understand what has occurred in me, in my life, and in my surroundings that is resulting in my not achieving my goals.  Then, like I was speaking to a beloved child who has failed in her first attempt to climb a ladder, I will give myself a hug and a smile; allow myself to step back, gear up, and start again; and I will stand by to help this precious me to place each hand and foot in just the right place, step-by-step, rung-by-rung towards my goal. 

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

Vitalife Insight: Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction of San Antonio

Seeking a Path

Sometimes when considering our lives, we find ourselves searching so hard to find the ‘right’ direction or ‘an’ answer that we exhaust ourselves, and those around us.   While both men and women do this, I think more women than men find themselves enacting this scenario.  We read self-help books and ask our friends and relatives for their opinions.  We read novels and watch how the leading characters make their decisions and find their way, we listen to gurus, priests, psychologists, psychics, authors, shaman, and anyone else who thinks they may have an answer or even to anyone who seems to have a relevant opinion…and most everyone sounds relevant…except for ourselves.  While we may say we listen to ourselves, what we really do is hear and then question, know and then doubt, make a decision and make a move and then interrogate ourselves as to whether our decision was the ‘best’ decision. 

Recently I also found myself seeking and questioning who to ask, who to talk with…and I made an appointment.  Two days before the appointment, as I was brushing my hair, my brush became caught in my earring.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not release it.  I removed my earring and continued to struggle to separate the two.  Then, accidently I dropped both the brush and the earring…and they fell to the floor and detached, separated. 

I do not need to seek the answer from someone else, nor do I need to struggle to find the answer.  By letting go of the internal skirmish, the answer will come. 

Happy individuals live longer.

Analyzing the written statements of young women in terms of how they looked at their futures, one study compared their outlooks with their health and longevity decades later.

The more positive, hopeful individuals lived longer and suffered less illness. 

Danner, Snowdon, & Friesen, 2001

After posting my first story about pennies from heaven, I received a lovely note from a friend of mine.  Both of us have wonderful daughters from India, chosen for us and by us.  Perhaps I should say – blessings bestowed upon us!

She wrote that for her daughter, it is butterflies, rather than pennies.  Butterflies that began to appear around her after her grandmother died – and that butterflies seem to be attracted to her daughter now, more than they ever were before.  She and her grandmother had a very close and special relationship. 

I’ve heard of that happening before – someone feeling that the presence of a butterfly signified a ‘visit’ from a deceased loved one.  Some have reported a beautiful butterfly or a bird appearing and lingering after the death of a loved one.  Others have reported more than one appearing – at different times after a loved one has passed, perhaps during significant events in the living relatives life.  A dove, pigeon,  quail,  butterfly, sparrow; or even a lone feather…or pennies  showing up in unexpected places - some individuals take these appearances as a message of love from a deceased relative or a message from a guardian angel.

In this case, I loved the story my friend told me about about her daughter and the butterflies. 

I remember being at the airport in Austin, waiting with another friend of ours who could not go to India to bring her child home, but instead waited at the airport for her arrival. Many of us who had adopted a child from India or who were planning to adopt from India, were all gathered around. It was a marvelous reunion, teary and happy and filled with positive emotions for all! 

At some point, after the baby had arrived, and we were all still standing around, my  friend (who recently related the butterfly story) told her daughter, who was about 5 or 6 yrs old maybe (in my memory) that they needed to leave.  They were going to see the little girls grandmother.  The beautiful little girl had been adopted at an age at which she remembered some things, and she appeared well aware of what this meant.

She came up to me, stood close, and looked at me.  It seemed that she looked straight up at me, with her head back, her dark brown eyes wide and smiling, and her voice filled with wonder and delight. 

She said “I HAVE A GRAMMA!” 

Her enthusiasm was so apparent and she was so thrilled and happy at this news – this wonder…she had a grandmother… that tears came to my eyes.  She knew how marvelous, how precious this person called ‘gramma’ was…

I have told the story over and over in the ensuing years.  We didn’t stay in close contact and I became confused over which child spoke these words about her grandmother (some families change Indian names when they are adopted), but here it was – ten, maybe eleven years later…and the child who spoke the words then, was revealed in a lovely story now.

The same little girl who was so incredibly thrilled to have a grandmother…still heard from this woman who loved her so much.

Full circle –message received.

Regardless of how you think of it…it’s a message of love.

‎"It helps to remember that our practice is not about accomplishing anything - not about winning or losing, but about ceasing to struggle and relaxing as it is." - Pema Chodron

Perhaps another way to say it...is seeing, really seeing what 'is'...and what we cannot change, no matter how hard we try or how much we fret and worry...or even how much we plot and plan.

Once we can 'really see', then accepting what has happened, what is here, and what will come helps to put us at ease.  Accepting doesn't mean agreeing with...or that you would have wished it to be this way. Accepting is merely a recognizing that this is how things are at this moment.  

Accepting doesn't mean agreeing that it necessarily will ALWAYS be this way either!  Maybe it will be and maybe it won't.  

The idea is to see, to acknowlege, and to move smoothly with 'what is'...into the next moment or episode of your life...

As said above...ceasing to struggle, knowing we can move through and with our circumstances/situations...step by step, moment by moment, breath by breath...

Thanks for the reminder of the quote - Shell Fischer!